Sunday, August 10, 2008

My Polytheism. . .

I want to be simple and predicable. That is my goal, but it seems a distant and difficult destination. Aside from my desire, I continue to be complex and erratic. I am beyond myself. I wish only to serve one God, the God that is love, but I must admit that I do worship other gods and at times they reign within me. The god of selfishness, the god of lust, the god of pride. . .the god of depression. . .deceit, envy, greed, impatience, and anger. . . among a cloud of others unnamed. At times I ashamedly pay homage and tribute to them. . . I deny them with my lips, but their thrones and palaces continue to be found within my heart. Is it possible to simplify ones self? To simplify anything means to eliminate and consolidate. What am I? Or is maybe a better question, what am I not? Can I look at what I am not, and from that reflection, from that reverse image, can I gain insight?. . .

I am not strong.
I am not weak.
I am not impatient.
I am not patient.
I am not hateful.
I am not loving.
I am not wise.
I am not foolish.
I am not old.
I am not young.
I am not mature.
I am not immature.
I am not rich.
I am not poor.
I am not simple.
I am not complicated.
I am not disloyal.
I am not loyal.
I am not dishonest.
I am not honest.
I am not capable.
I am not incapable.
I am not thrifty.
I am not wasteful.
I am not loved.
I am not unloved.
I am not generous.
I am not selfish.
I am not unlovable.
I am not lovable.
I am not beautiful.
I am not ugly.
I am not kind.
I am not hurtful.
I am not hard.
I am not soft.
I am not thoughtful.
I am not rude.
I am not hungry.
I am not satisfied.
I am not unique.
I am not like anyone else. . .

For me this was a very powerful exercise. I am sure that I could go on and on in describing the paradox that is myself. On different levels, seen from different directions, there are few, maybe no absolutes which can be used in describing me. Presented with these contradictions, how can I ever hope to be predictable and under control? How can I ever rule myself? The answer seems to be that it is hopeless. I cannot. I seem to be a completely unruly mass of conflicting magnetic poles each drawing me in their own direction. The needle of my compass swings wildly from one gravitational origin point to another, independent of my will. The world outside of me sees nothing of this. These movements are tides deeply rising and falling within me, nevertheless they consume great resources with little positive effect. . .

The thought comes to me, that by ceasing to be continuously warring within myself, with myself, I am able to know myself more fully and accept myself for what I am. Not to say that I wish to be complacent and give up on becoming what God wants me to be, but through this knowledge, this recognition of accepting that there are weaknesses and features within me that I cannot change, might I thus be better able to utilize my strengths, while at the same time becoming more able to recognize and avoid my weaknesses. These are things within me which make me. . . me. . .There things about myself that I am powerless to change, thereby I must depend upon God to provide strength in these areas where I have none. . .

If I had some physical disability, if I were blind, or confined to a wheelchair, I could spend my entire life fighting my blindness or continually warring with my inability to walk. . .but to what effect? I then would have wasted my life fighting a battle which could not be won rather than having lived a life to the fullness within the limitations, that I had as a blind man, or that I had as a crippled man, or that you. . . that each of us have, in one way or another. . . Do I live my life centered upon my weaknesses and in that way misdirecting my limited energy on my negatives and not on my strengths or do I come to admit and recognize my weaknesses, come to depend upon the grace and power of God to provide strength where I have none and in that manner to go beyond them and grow into best utilizing those good features and abilities that I have been given?

I keep a journal in which to write down my thoughts, always with me. Especially while on vacation, I so very much enjoy the time I have to read, pray, meditate and write. This morning, two weeks later, I write these things recorded in my journal, during my recent time at a cottage on Wolf Lake. Almost immediately after this coming to terms with myself, I had a moment of brightly illuminating insight. It was a very distinct experience, that of a great white light shining within me. . .I was able to see myself with more objectivity and clarity than I had ever thought possible. After these things that I have described, in a very short time, it seemed as if the dust and smoke of my internal battlefield cleared, and in this new crisply distilled atmosphere, I was given a vividness of vision, I was able to see things I had never seen about myself before. . .as very much a result of this I am changing in ways I never thought possible. . .

The Lord is continuing His work within me. . . He continues the process within me of 'all things being made new'. . .

I love you my God. . .
I thank you my God. . .

I love you all. . .


No comments: