Transformed. . .

 

Transformed. . . 

Last night, 11th post surgery, was by far my best night so far.  I could walk across the hall, use the restroom, and get back into bed without gasping for breath for an hour or more.  I was back to breathing more normally in 10 minutes or so.  I could roll over or change positions in bed without effecting my breathing much at all.  

A few minutes ago, I got up, let out our dog, Gideon, walked to the kitchen, made coffee, took my meds and maybe 10 minutes later my breathing is almost back to normal.

I am being transformed by all of this that I am experiencing.  I don't want this to be a temporary wound, which when the bandage comes off leaves no scar.  I want to remember the details of the journey that I am on. . . a year from now. . . five years from now I want this post to come up on my memories.  I never want to forget the lessons I'm learning here.  They are too precious to me to lose.

The sacrifice of others. . . the first few days after surgery, in the ICU, I was as helpless as a baby.  I was totally dependant on the medical staff for everything.  It was deeply humbling to be taken care of in such an intimate manner.  I am still overcome thinking of the kindness, understanding, gentleness, patience of those men and women who devote themselves to the care of others.  Words cannot express my gratitude and admiration for them.  I want to be like them when I grow up.  They are my heroes. 

The love and caring and compassion. . . sacrifice of friends and family members.  I cannot do the things which need to be done. . . simple things that a couple of weeks ago, I thought nothing about, are now beyond me.  I do not like asking for help, but now I have no other options, but to helplessly watch as others do for me.  It's not easy. . . My heart overflows at the sacrifices of others for me. . . Jackies standing by my side.  Doing things which are are stretching her.  Praying for me.  Deeply concerned for my well being. . .Kimberly spending the entire time of our stay in Cleveland with Jackie helping out doing things, getting after me to do things better.  Julia and William coming over yesterday and working for much of the day doing things for us, that must be done, but I am unable to attend to.  countless other family and friends, offering words of encouragement, the prayers offered up by dozens or even hundreds.  My gratitude is too large for words.  I weep again in thankfulness. . . .My account is empty right now. . . I have no way to repay all the kindness shown to Jackie and I.  This is so meaningful. . . Nothing is forgotten.  

On a more serious side. . . twice since my surgery, I have faced death.  Medically I have no idea how close I was to actually dying, but in my mind death was not far away.  The first time was I believe two nights post surgery, when I could not breath.  I would try to inhale, and my lungs made an awful croaking sound.  I needed air, but I was suffocating.  It was 3-4 a.m. I pushed the call button, gasping out, that I could not breathe.  Within seconds there was hurried activity in my room.  A portable chest x-ray machine was brought in, and it was discovered that my right lung area was filled with fluid.  

Within minutes, a doctor appeared whom I had never met before.  It seemed like it took a very long time, but that is time measured from the perspective of where every breath is a herculean effort.  The doctor, said several times "You've got this Mr. Stokely, you've got this."  A statement I found both very reassuring, and troubling at the same time.  I felt close to the precipice, looking over the edge of an abyss that I had never, been close to or seen before.  I felt that death was near, if they did not find a way to get me breathing again.

The doctor, after preparations, went in through my back, between my ribs and installed a chest drainage tube.  It did not take long for me to begin feeling relief.  They drained a liter of fluid that night and much more fluid over the next three days or so that the tube was in.  It was a horrific feeling, not being able to breath.  Again overwhelming gratitude for being surrounded by those with the knowledge and expertise to help me in my dire crisis.  

The next event, happened a few days later. . . my memory is in a fog of those early post surgery day, the drugs, the pain everything runs together.  Anyway a few days later, again 3-4 a.m. my heart went into AFib.  Within minutes, there were 10-12 people in my hospital room in busied activity.  A portable EKG machine was brought in, and I was hooked up.  I was told that the top and bottom parts of my heart were not beating in sinus rhythm.  They were kind of counteracting each other rather than acting together.  My heart rate was 165 bpm or so, far too high, too much cardiac pressure for someone recently coming out of an aorta root and valve replacement.

They started me on an IV drip of drugs to reestablish my correct heart rhythm, and it wasn't long at all, less than an hour and my heart was back to normal.

Death is real.  We all know this.  All of us have been to funerals, and lost loved ones, but for me to be in circumstances where I felt so close to death was transformative.  I will certainly be in that same position again.  This time God spared me.  On another day He will call me home.  On neither of these happenings, was I panicked.  I looked at it objectively, thinking is this how I will die?

How has this changed me?  I want to be a servant.  I have seen first hand, the power of servanthood:

Matthew 23:11-12 KJV

But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant. And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased; and he that shall humble himself shall be exalted.

I will NEVER forget the service and sacrifice done for me.  My heart overflows with gratitude.

I want to have more compassion, and patience with other people.  I have been utterly weak and helpless. We are each in our own ways are weak and helpless.  It used to be walking across the room was a task which required no thought on the effort to do that.  Coming home from Cleveland, we stopped at a service plaza.  I was supposed to stop and walk every hour along the way home.  We stopped at a service plaza.  Jackie parked as close to the entrance as possible.  I walked to the entrance, got a couple of feet inside of the doors, and looked across the atrium, and realized it was too far for me to make.  I turned around and went back to the car.  It would be very easy for someone to look at me, and see my turning around. . . not understanding, and in their strength attribute my weakness to laziness something.  Not seeing the world through my eyes where that distance to the restrooms, was like climbing a large steep mountain.  I believe my edges have been softened through all this. . . more patience. . . fewer snap judgements. . . more understanding. . . being a better servant. . . are my deep desires.

Death is real.  Again, I've stood along the edge and peered over it.  I was such a fool, not believing in God for 45 years.  So many around me are like blinded.  Certain of their path in unbelief.  I don't know what more I can do, but I want to find ways to open the eyes of the blind. . . Death is real. . . God is real. . . He has shown Himself to be real to me time and again. . . 

I am changed. . . I am transformed. . .  I give huge thanks to God for this trial that I am going through.  I would not trade the things I learn here for anything.  I am being shaped into a new creature. . . 

2 Corinthians 5:17

“Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.”  

This has been my scripture almost from the first day I came to God.  My blog is named anewcreature.blogspot.com.  Through this, I am discovering new depths of newness.  As others have told me several times over the past week or two, God isn't finished with me yet.  I'm still being shaped into something more closely resembling Him.

I so deeply love You God. . .

I am so grateful for what I am going through now. . .

I give You thanks beyond words to express. . . 

You are my Lord. . .

<3

Dave